I feel it in chills sent running down my spine

in the repulsion in my stomach

the hot shame in my face

the fear in my heart

and the desires that bring it all up again

A long-lasting limp

I hear it in the sudden snap, splash, slap

the vacuum of breath, autonomy, and innocence

The doubting whispers

and condescending silence

The muffled cries for hope

and echo of feet on the floor

I taste it in the salty sweat and tears

the blood in the back of my throat

I smell it in my bear

masking everything but my horror

Sending my mind and body far away

Funneling feelings, fucking, fighting

through breathe in and out, in and out

In and out and in and out and in and out

The rhythmic pulse pulling me away from everything I know

I see it in glimpses, flashes, darkness

bags under eyes

a feeble frame

an anger unable to be tamed

I know it in the absence of light

the inability to transcend its shadow

in the moments I feel so small I could disappear

and in those I’ve tried to

I know it in hope

in the knowledge that Darkness does not win

in snow, the crisp fall air, your toes dipped in

in patient hearts sitting shiva with your pain

I know this is real

...but it will not last